If you have been wondering why the government of Goodluck Jonathan has achieved precious little in the monumental fight against corruption in Nigeria, the answer is very simple. There is actually no corruption in Nigeria. Nigerian politicians are thieves, but they are not corrupt. This is the erudite position of our dear president, who happens to be the first president in the history of Nigeria to have the distinction of a Ph.D.
President Jonathan says: ”What many Nigerians refer to as corruption is actually stealing. Stealing is not the same thing as corruption.” This is a profound statement that has since become the subject of many doctoral dissertations on Nigeria.
It has also provided a very Nigerian contribution to the English language. Nigerian “doublethink” Our president is not alone in this assessment. The Chairman of the ICPC (Independent Corrupt Practices Commission), Ekpo Nta, agrees with Mr. President. He also insists it is wrong to confuse stealing with corruption. The distinguished chairman says: “Stealing is erroneously reported as corruption. We must go back to what we were taught at school to show that there are educated people in Nigeria.” He then likened the Nigerian penchant to regard theft as corruption to be as erroneous as calling a roadside mechanic an engineer.
This perspective has brought great relief to Nigerians. We always thought there was too much corruption in the country, so it is fantastic to learn that there is no corruption at all. We are just thieves. It is necessary to bring this new insight to the attention of Transparency International, which persists in listing Nigeria as one of the most corrupt countries. We need to tell the world that we have “re-based” the corruption index in Nigeria and found it to be totally non-existent. The only problem here for Ekpo Nta is that we might have to scrap his organization.
If there is no corruption in Nigeria, there is no point having an Independent Corrupt Practices Commission. Since Mr. President educated us that corruption is different from stealing, other eminent Nigerians have also found it necessary to make similar Orwellian clarifications towards the obfuscation of the truth.
Rabiu Kwankwaso was a very good and upright public-servant as PDP Governor of Kano. But after he switched to the APC, he became negatively transformed. Accordingly, President Jonathan was quick to inform Nigerians that the governor corruptly enriched himself with public funds. This is what happens when politicians move from the PDP to the APC. They become corrupt and are then handed over to the EFCC. But if they are smart and quickly return to the PDP, their EFCC file is promptly closed. “Stealing public funds is a sign of progressive politics.”
A PDP Senator confessed that on Election Day, the electoral officials in his constituency were surprised to see his mother at the polls. “Mama, what are you doing here?” they berated her. “Don’t you know that you have already voted?” Two local chiefs then complained to the Senator afterwards that they were not allowed to vote for him. When he made inquiries as to why this was so, the electoral official involved was irritated. “Honorable Senator,” he declared, “you won the election by a landslide in this constituency, so what are they complaining about?” “That is not the issue,” protested the Senator, “they want to be able to vote for me themselves.” But the electoral officer refused to be persuaded. “Then Senator, they must be traitors,” he declared. “If they are still complaining, even though you won the election, it means they were not planning to vote for you. We cannot allow that to happen.”
There are now so many doctors in Nigeria. Many of these are doctors of ignorance. Time was when having a doctorate signified you have attained the height of academic excellence. Not any more in Nigeria. Doctorates are now bought and sold in flea-markets. Just give a few million stolen Naira to any of the “jekuredi” universities and they will readily award you a Doctor of Philosophy in a field of your choosing. If you don’t have stolen money to throw around; don’t let that deter you. Just award the degree to yourself. How do you think the late Sikiru Ayinde Barrister obtained his doctorate? Ekiti state is said to have the largest concentration of doctorates in the country. But you can tell that this does not mean they are educated because they voted for Fayose instead of Fayemi. That should tell you how uneducated they really are.
Femi Aribisala.
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